This weekend, Mom and I watched The Force Awakens. She hadn’t seen it before, which is not unusual because I have to preview most things so I can tell her everything is going to be okay. Sort of like her personal Does The Dog Die. It’s a good system for us. I can reassure her, and I get at least one uninterrupted viewing.
Because Mom usually has a lot to say.
Speaking of SPOILERS (which I will be; this is your warning)…
As the opening crawl appears, I’m debating how much to tell her. This is my job, after all. I figure, I’ll get the basics out of the way, and let the details unfold.
Me: So, you should know, a major character gets killed.
Me: You know it has to happen. Obi Wan had to die in the first one so Luke could do his Hero’s Journey thing.
Mom: Luke dies??????
Mom: Is it Leia?
Mom: *thinks* Is it Han?
Me: Yes. *watches warily for reaction*
Mom: Oh, well. He’s gotten really old anyway.
[I would have called that a burn, but it was too cold.]
Finn gets shot at, nearly blasted. Entire planets blow up. Cantina Castle implodes.
Mom: DON’T LOSE LUKE’S LIGHTSABER.
Me: Jeez, Mom. Priorities.
Mom: If that lady with the glasses kept it in a box all this time, it must be important. Does she die? I really like her. Get on the Internet and find out.
Kylo Ren gets emo while the Darth Vader music plays. Cut to reveal Darth Vader Mask.
Mom: Wait. So he’s Luke’s son?
Me: No, Mom. He’s Han’s kid.
Mom: How… but how is Vader his grandfather then?
Me: He’s Han and Leia’s kid.
Mom: Really? Huh. I can’t picture them as good parents.
Me: Apparently they weren’t.
Also could have used a haircut.
Mom: *pause* He really needs a haircut.
Finn and Kylo Ren fight at the end.
Mom: Does he (meaning Finn) die?
Mom: Does she (meaning Rey) die?
Mom: Does the bad guy (meaning Kylo Ren) die?
Mom: *pause* Well, that’s disappointing.
Big awesome fight between Ren and Rey.
Mom: (re: Kylo Ren and Rey) They’re brother and sister.
Me: We don’t know yet.
Mom: No, I’m saying, I bet they’re brother and sister.
Me: They won’t do that. They already did that with Luke and Leia.
Mom: I don’t know. They keep rebuilding the Death Star with an access tunnel.
The credits roll.
Mom: Well, I’m glad the Hilter guy died.
Me: He didn’t die, Mom. The Supreme Leader Gollum told him to take a ship and get Kylo Ren and meet him.
Mom: *sigh* What I want to know is why are there so many people who want to be the supreme ruler. Sauron, and Voldemort, and the Emperor, now this guy. Why do all these guys want to be in charge? Where do they come from?
Me: Trump Tower, I think.
Mom: That’s not funny. She notices I’ve been taking notes. You’re not going to Tweet this, are you?
Me: I think I’m going to start a blog thing. I’ll call it a “Mom-entary.” What do you think?
Mom: I think that’s too much pressure on me. Just make me seem funny and nice.
Me: Not a problem. [Note: I didn’t make any of this stuff up.]
Mom: And don’t tell them that I called Han Solo old. I think he’s younger than me.
Me: Actually, I think he’s older.
Mom: Well, that’s a relief.
Be nice in the comments, she may read this to keep me honest.